Recovery II

My emotions have been running high the last couple weeks and I don't know if it'll stop any time soon. I'm handling things quite well given the scenario, though.

First off, I already got myself back to skiing. On Friday last week my mind had been focused on skiing. I had to get back there to make things right again. As hard as it was, I made my way to Big Sky by myself and spent my morning in fear. The very first run I about lost it when the run got even a little bit steep. My mind went into a panic and I thought about the slope sliding. It's incredibly stupid in hindsight but somewhat rational when it comes down to it. My fear had me tense most of the day, but slowly my mind came around and I became one step closer to moving forward.

Speaking of unrational I think my head has been playing games with me and overcompensating for any fear I'm still harboring. You see when a person wants to backcountry ski or ice climb or alpine climb they have to prepare themselves for the worst or they'll panic when something goes wrong. We have to go into the back country thinking this could be our last day... this might be it. It's dire to reflect on the situation but we all do it. After I attempted Mt. Rainier for the first time I was forced to reflect on the dangers of my activities. For the first time I saw what risk can do to a person. It may not be something any of us think about, but indirectly our mind has come to terms with this idea. If you're hanging off the side of a cliff miles from help, your mind thinks about what to do if a rock falls and you break your leg or if your partner takes a lead fall and they break their ankle. We prepare ourselves for the possibilities... Without this mindset I'd be so much worse off.

But on the downside, preparing myself for this scenario also puts me at risk for being a little too cavalier. After dealing with my initial fear and insomnia it moved on to a developing acceptance. Acceptance didn't come too quickly, but it presented itself within a week and I was able to ski shortly thereafter. Seeing I could face my fear also forced me to accept that I will still ski and I'll still climb and I'll still put myself in dangerous situations. But it isn't because I'm being too cavalier, it's because no matter what happens to me climbing and skiing will always be my outlet. But this isn't everything. Being able to get back out there and try to enjoy something that almost killed me allowed me to see that maybe I was on borrowed time. Maybe I need to live life as full as I can. Take risks in my personal life and my active life. But this isn't how it should be. I should take this borrowed time and enhance it. I should be safer than I ever can be and learn as much as I can and just be me again.

So what if I came close to dying, I'm still me and that won't ever change. Why should this situation change me and make me safer or make me more cavalier? It shouldn't! I'll always be who I am and everyone knows that... including me. I know a few of you reading this right now are smiling and shaking your heads. You all know I'll be back out there eventually. And you know what? You're gonna love that I'm out there too. Most of you wouldn't know who I was if I sat inside all day playing video games and twiddling my thumbs.

I'll be safer than I've ever been but I'll still be out there living my life.